Dealing with “should” Statements
We all carry inside of us many blueprints or frameworks of how we believe life is suppose to look. This could be expectations around where you believe you need to be at a certain age, expectations of how someone should treat you, or something seemingly trivial such as beliefs about how towels are organized in a home. For the most part, we are not aware of the frameworks we carry unless we are challenged and take time to understand why we carry certain beliefs.
When unchecked, the specifications of the framework can consist of “shoulds” – inner commands that carry out the programming that has been internalized over time.
The “shoulds” in your life may be unconsciously running the show, so you might be reacting from certain beliefs that you are unaware that you carry. You may be only aware of their effects; feeling depressed, held back, blocked, trapped, in a bind, unable to do what you want.
SHOULDS must be distinguished from WANTS.
If you don’t get treated in a way that you believe you “should,” you mostly likely will feel some emotional pain. It’s the pain of self-condemnation, and it says I’m no good, inferior, guilty, etc. On the other hand, if you don’t get what you “want,” in a relationship, you may just feel disappointed or frustrated while still possibly holding a belief of being worthy, loveable, etc..
Essentially, when we are operating from certain “should” statements, we can personalize the unmet need because it feels personal and can lead to difficult or shameful emotional cycles.
“Framework” shoulds must also be distinguished from “task” shoulds. The latter simply tell you how to do something in order to get the result you want. For example, “if you want to cross the street safely, you should wait for the green light.” No self-condemnation there.
Some “Shoulds” beliefs you may carry:
I should always be happy (no matter how I really feel).
I should be a good spouse/partner, with exciting things to discuss
I should be tough, cool, and unemotional (never let them see me cry).
I should be interesting so that others will want to be around me.
I should be never let anyone tell me what to do
GETTING LOOSE FROM “SHOULDS”
The first step in getting loose from “shoulds” is to identify them and experience them fully, to get a sense of how much these beliefs may controlling you and your life.
The second step involves turning the “should” into a “right.” By doing this, we free ourselves from the tight constraints of the “should.” Instead of saying, “I should . . .”, you can say, “I have a right to . . .”
Third, you must fight for the right to express these “rights.” You must fight for the right to show vulnerabilities, or to experience your emotions and feelings, or to be frightened, or assertive, to give in, to be close to someone, to ask for what you want.
The final step is to put the position into words. To use “releasing statements,” to free yourself. Some of these statements may be:
I have the right to feel what I feel.
I have the right to ask for whatever I want; I may not get it, but I have the right to ask.
I have the right to give in.
I have the right to be strong and powerful, so long as it does not harm anyone.
I am not here to live up to others’ expectations. I have the right to be whoever I am.
Exercise
Practice changing your “should” statements into more empowering statements. First, take some time to identify deeply held beliefs that you may be operating from. Write down your should statements in the right column. Next, rewrite the statement using the phrase “I have the right too…”
For Example…
“I should be more emotionally stable at my age” can be changed to “I have the right to express my emotions” or “I have the right to be emotionally messy sometimes but I am still a good person”
“He should know what I’m thinking, we’ve been together for two years” can be changed to “I have the right to ask for what I want in a relationship” or “I have the right to be upset when we continue to have the same fights in our relationship”.
“I should start working out again” can be changed to “I have the right to focus on other priorities such as sleeping or socializing” or “I have the right to be size I am and still feel good about myself”
Online Group Therapy
Interested in joining an online therapeutic skills group.? Register online and start with a group right away.
Higgins & Carter LLC
is located in the historical Monadnock Building and has been providing mental health services in the Chicago loop since 2010. It has been our mission to provide comprehensive and cost-effective mental health treatment.