Finding balance in a world of contradictions
It’s all about balance. We’ve all heard this one before. We are told that it is the key to a happy and fulfilling life. But how do we achieve balance? How is this possible in the world of contradictions that we all inhabit? How achievable is balance- and where do we start?
One clue lies in the D in DBT. Dialectics refers to the balancing of opposites- the holding of two or more seemingly opposite perspectives at once. Through DBT- an inherently active modality- we seek to avoid falling for the black-and-white, the all-or-nothing styles of thinking that amplify and prolong our disharmony with this ever-changing world of contradictions. In dialectics, we seek to adopt a both-and outlook and pull away from an either-or perspective.
It’s through the synthesis and resolution of opposite tensions that we’re better able to achieve more balance in thought and behavior.
A few basic assumptions that make up dialectics:
We experience opposing tensions all of the time.
They can be internal or in between people. Classic example: many people in therapy experience tension between doing what is familiar (i.e., staying the same) and doing something new (i.e., change).
Each position has its own truth or validity.
In the example above: there are valid reasons to stay the same and valid reasons to change. All of those reasons are intertwined.
Choosing to stay the same can create change too!
Resisting change may cause things to escalate to a point where the need for change becomes more pronounced, in turn creating a new dialectical tension.
Common dialectical tensions to expect as you proceed through DBT treatment:
Self-acceptance vs. Making personal changes.
The balance between acceptance and change is the dialectic at the heart of DBT. Acknowledging and engaging with this conflict means identifying what you can accept about yourself while turning toward the possibility of evolving.
Doing your best vs. Needing to do better.
You may already be giving it your all; the very best you’ve got. However, you will likely encounter the need to improve, to enhance your efforts. The act of balancing this dialectic can allow you to more effectively ration your efforts in ways that will keep you from burning out or feeling hopeless.
Novelty vs. Predictability.
Out with the old, in with the new? Or vise versa? By engaging with this dialectic, you may learn to see the new in the familiar and the familiar in the new.
Needing others vs. Independence.
Needing others may have nothing to do with dependency or overreliance, just as independence may not equate to absolute self-sufficiency. Balancing this conflict can afford you the establishment of healthy boundaries and opportunities to bond with and invite those you care about into your life.
Focusing on yourself vs. Focusing on others
Just as a flight attendant instructs you to secure your own oxygen mask first before assisting others, balancing this dialectic will lead to improved self-care and the ability to effectively attend to meaningful relationships.
Structure vs. Freedom
Structure can be a comforting thing for some and a suffocating experience for others, just as freedom might be liberating or involve too much uncertainty. Effective engagement in this conflict yields versatility and the practice of good judgment. You tap into your resourcefulness and creativity while still being mindful of your limitations.
Food for thought
It may be helpful to think of balance not as a constant, unwavering force, but rather, a journey that requires active maintenance. Like riding a bicycle, we maintain balance by investing in momentum and knowing that within that momentum exist periods of tension and discomfort as we veer from side to side. Dialectics can help us mitigate that discomfort as we continue our journey.
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