The Royal Road to Dialectical Thought and Behavior
The first steps toward change in thought and behavior can be daunting and disorienting. We lose our footing and stumble, and as we desperately reach for something to hold on to, we fall all the way back to square one. Using these principles as handrails will facilitate your ascent toward dialectical thought and behavior.
Step out of the black and white
Characterized by extremes in which we take either one position or the opposite (or even bounce back and forth between them), black-and-white thinking is all about the all-or-nothing stance. It’s in our best interests to avoid extremes unless an extreme response fits the needs of the situation as viewed from the Wise Mind (this will be rare).
Black and White (B&W) extremes include:
Intensely loving or hating your partner, friend, co-worker, etc.
Thinking that you are/someone else is all good or all bad.
Not starting a task unless you think you can do it all at once.
Approaching others in an overly strict or lenient manner.
Separating viewpoints into right/wrong categories.
To get started on stepping out of the B&W, consider the following prompt:
I have noticed myself falling into B&W extremes with the following people and/or in the following situations…
Step into the shades of gray in thoughts, behaviors, relationships, and situations
Attempts to understand other perspectives and adopt middle-ground behaviors will undoubtedly lead to thinking in shades of gray. If you are used to operating from the B&W stance, exploring the shades of gray can seem like a risky and uncomfortable endeavor. As you step into the world of shades of gray, you will soon discover that this world (and its inhabitants) are a lot more complex than you originally thought. Some examples of moving into the gray include:
Showing love/respect/regard to your partner, friend, co-worker, etc., even when they behave in ways you dislike or disapprove.
Recognizing that you and other people have both positive and negative qualities.
Starting tasks and initiating changes that you are able to do in the moment.
Approaching others in a balanced manner while observing and respecting boundaries. Appropriately exercising flexibility as needed.
Avoiding separating viewpoints into right/wrong categories and noticing the relative truth of different viewpoints. Seeking to understand as opposed to judging and labeling.
To step into the shades of gray, consider the following prompt:
I can move into shades of gray with the people and situations listed above by…
Be flexible and adaptable
One of the greatest benefits of adopting a dialectical stance is the ability to meet other people and situations where they are at while learning to do what is needed, in other words, we become effective. Recognizing and respecting the many different viewpoints and approaches can afford us options.
Try exercising flexibility by:
Deciding to “go with the flow” in place of exercising full control.
Compromising and/or letting others have their way at times- there could be something in it for you!
Trying new ways to accomplish a task or goal- take a different route!
Listening to and finding the validity in a viewpoint you disagree with- find something to agree with.
Remaining open to what each moment has to offer.
Consider the following prompt to get started on exercising flexibility:
I can be more flexible with people, in situations, and in life by…
Food for thought
It’s important that we don’t equate dialectical thought and behavior with conformity or having an “anything goes” attitude. Giving life to and regularly exercising our core values will help inform our decisions and in turn help us become more effective in the moment.
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